Doctor The Chuckman's Injured Reserve-ations for Two

This month’s mailbag request: Dear Pigskin Blognosticator, With the recent rash of injuries to fantasy stalwarts, sneaky-sleepers, and obscure hopefuls alike, could you please shed some small ray of hope and enlightenment, even a single beam of your blinding magnificent radiance upon the barren wasteland that is the Injured Reserve handcuff dart in the dark situation? - Your obedient servant, Steven Hawking, CH, CBE, FRS, FRSA. Dear Steven, The Chuckman, DFFS (Doctor of Fantasy Football Science) is more than happy to enrich your mind with my stupendous knowledge of such matters. Teddy Bridge over troubled Waters – Unless you owned “The Bear” this injury is kind of a non-factor. Shaun Hill is the backup and every bit as capable and celebrated in not-completing passes to his intended receivers as Bridgewaters of Madison County. If your fantasy draft was built around anyone who should have been receiving the ball (through the air) from H2O your season was lost before this injury already anyways. Tony wherever I may Romo – Now this is a situation worthy of noting. Not because it means you shouldn’t draft any of his skill positions around him, but rather because they can be had at a fraction of their original cost and have an even BETTER QB in Dak (You’ll be im)Preskott! Dak has a little something I like to tall ITNESS!!! What IS itness you ask? Well, it’s hard to define, but if you looked up itness in the dictionary it would have a picture of Dak: cid:1C1A7D38-B464-4F06-BFC5-1F99FEDF74EC v.: 1. The state or quality of being THIS GUY!!! Bruce Swellington – The poor kid can’t stay healthy. Already shelved for the year due to a hammy, the one time breakout candidate now leaves a huge gap in a starting lineup that should be a statistical goldmine in the Chip Kelly up-temp offense with a QB who can’t throw further than the slot received. So who is the big winner and player to nab to benefit your football team in the wake of this young man’s misfortune?! …whatever defense is playing against them any given week is the sad answer. :p Until next month, may luck be with you (and not the training staff.) ~The Pigskin Blognosticator

2016 Fantasy Football Sleepers, Nappers, Comatose, and the Undead (part 2)

Continuing last week’s wildly popular (which is to say I liked it) sleepers et al, this week we have the long since forgotten and what have you done for me lately, and/or ever edition. (All of the below score 3 or less zombies on the “are they still alive” scale.) Terrelle Pryor, WR Cleveland – Granted his only ‘Pryor’ history of production was in college as a not-WR, so why would I toss a dart in the dark at this young man?! Well, he’s still a young man for one, and certainly a young receiver, and at 6’4” 223lbs with wheels to spare he LOOKS the part of a dominating NFL receiver. (Granted it also helps that he’s wearing an NFL uniform.) :p Cleveland has roughly the same grasp on the depth chart that they do on their local economy, so there is opportunity there (on the field, not their economy.) Bruce Ellington, WR San Fran – This is part of my ongoing theory that everyone should pick up ALL of the WRs on San Fran. SOMEONE is going to benefit from the up tempo offense and all the de facto extra targets/statistics it generates , plus San Fran will be playing from behind vs prevent defenses from about the second drive each game. Lots of “we’ll let them have that” receptions. “Cha-ching!” What have you done for me lately? Nothing, ever. DeAndre Smelter – see above about all of SF. Plus, this kid is 6’2”/226, they drafted him in the 4th round last year despite realizing with his injury he wouldn’t play until at best this year. They have plans and WANT him to win this job. Devon Cajuste, WR/TE San Fran – Okay granted, this article might as well have just been called I LOVE THE SAN FRANCISCO OFFENSE UNDER CHIP KELLY for fantasy purposes. (GO SEAHAWKS in all other contexts.) They drafted this kid as a WR; however, his true calling is as a TE. 6’4” and 234 pounds, he’s one famous San Fran Monte Cristo away from reaching 250 and having prototypical size for the NFL. He also has some skills that translate to the position that most NFL TEs do not have, first and foremost the ability to block, catch, and run. Sammie “Second” Coates, WR Pittsburg – Coats has a style and joie de vivre that can only be described as ‘vintage.’ Samuel (as his folks doubtlessly called him when he was in trouble growing up) was drafted curiously high in the draft given that Pittsburgh appeared deep at that position already. That is it was curious until it was disclosed that Martavius Bryant had been playing the position high since he arrived in Pittsburgh. Currently in rehab Bryant has opened the door for his more sober clone to take the league by storm. I could go on and on…and I will, next time. Sincerely, The Pigskin Blognosticator

2016 Fantasy Football Sleepers, Nappers, Comatose, and the Undead

This week there is no question from the public, only an answer from The Wise and Powerful Chuckman as to whom the most valuable sleepers and shrewd fantasy reaches are for this year’s draft. Ezekiel Elliott, RB Dallas. (Hint, Darren McFadden injured himself trying to pick up this blog post like it was a newspaper article.) :p What’s that? Oh, you’d like something more surprising and sleepery, not the fantasy equivalent of the Red Bull energy drink mascot of fantasy football knowledge? Fine Josh Ferguson, RB Indianapolis – Despite not being drafted (sleepy enough for you?) the man is behind only Frank Gore on the depth chart of a high-scoring offense. Therefore when Father Time, notably undefeated, finally beats him with the reality stick, SOMEONE is going to have to handle the load for the pass-happy Colts and the 5’10” 200lb dynamo will be it. Frank Gore rates a 4 out of 5 zombies on the “is that guy still alive” scale. Cameron Brate, TE Tampa Bay – WHO you say? The presumptive backup TE in Tampa Bay matriculated at Harvard (“my boy gots wicked sma’ts” – Casey Afflec, Good Will Hunting) and is the ying to emotional neophyte Austin Seferian-Jenkins’ yang. Austin is from Gig Harbor, and thus ends the list of his redeeming qualities. Your return on investment for a last round pick will bear fruit my friend. Jeff Janis, WR Green Bay – With a healthy Nelson back and a crowded depth chart it’s easy to say why would I want the fourth or fifth receiver on any team on my roster. Well, because he’s the tallest and fastest of all of them and Aaron Rogers right arm was probably what was REALLY in that briefcase in Pulp Fiction. If cream rises to the top than grab yourself a cherry and a spoon because you’re about to enjoy ‘Sundays’ like never before. Steve Smith Sr., WR Baltimore – Again, only in value per pick. Putting the senior (citizen) in Sr., Steve Smith had vowed to retire last year before getting injured and deciding that’s not the way he wanted to go out. Baltimore’s WR corps is theoretically crowded, but Perriman has already suffered his annual season ending injury (which now they’re saying is only a couple weeks, but we’ve all heard that before) and Mike Wallace has proven he can’t catch a deep ball from anyone but Ben Roethlisberger duct taping it to his body. Jr. notably rates a 6 out of 5 zombies on the “is that guy still alive” scale. Eric Rogers, WR San Fran – Rogers was exiled to Canada, oh Canada, where he thrived in a pass-happy system (see also: league) and now is getting a chance to redeem himself on American soil playing for a ‘Chip off the old Kelly.’ On a team that throws the ball every down AND will be playing from behind the entire season, welcome to the fascinating world of fantasy statistics my friends. I could go on and on…and I will, next time. Sincerely, The Pigskin Blognosticator

Game of Throwin’s: The Quarterback ‘arms race’ – Denver Broncos edition.

This week’s question from my adoring public: “Oh Wise and Powerful Chuckman, bestow upon me the grace of your flawless knowledge and unprecedented insight. Who will win ye’ ol’ starting job for the Broncs this year that I might draft of them and smite my opponents forthrightly?!” -Marvin Well, look at the big brain on Marvin! Marv, as we all know, there can be only one. Despite the delusional rumors coming out of Denver that technically-veteran Trevor Siemian has a chance as a dark horse I doubt they’re even taking a ‘wait and Sie’ approach on that. Granted, his veteran competition is Mark Sanchez, The Sanchize, or as you probably know him best “butt-fumble” made famous for managing to pull of what is arguably the worst play in the history of the NFL. In the Bronco’s ‘defense’ they did just have a sudden hole at that most critical of all positions “the crotchety old has-been who has proven capable of reaching AFC Championships by riding an elite defense and putting up an atrocious stat line like 141 yards and an INT.” And to their credit they did find the most qualified player available to slump into that recliner on the porch and wave his cane in the air while yelling at neighborhood children to stay off his lawn. The answer though is clearly to draft the rookie Paxton Lynch. (Note: Dear readers, I’m not deliberately compiling the definitive works of Lynch-named players in the NFL, I mean it’s happening, just not deliberately.) Why you might ask am I so confident Lynch will be the ‘pin’ you should pull on draft day? Simple. The man looks like a pirate. What position in the NFL could benefit anymore from swashbuckling I ask you, none, that’s how many. :p Denver runs a very bootleg-heavy offensive scheme. You know who’s qualified to bootleg? A PIRATE. Seriously, this kid is an eyepatch and peg leg away from first ballot hall of fame! ‘This one goes to 11…+1.’ You are welcome.

The new Lynch Mob

Every day I receive thousands of emails and inquires (despite this being my first ever post, strange coincidence) that tend to go a little something like this: Oh Wise and Powerful Chuckman, who art so magnificent and omniscient, who will replace Marshawn Lynch as the Seahawks “bellcow” running back, and/or whom should I draft for my fantasy team? Help me glorious Pigskin Pundit, you’re my only hope. My dear loyal minions, A fine question, full of mystery, intrigue, and gratuitous flattery. Notably the one running back you do not need to draft or concern yourself with is Christine Michael. Seattle clearly is trying to set a record for how many times a player can be cut and/or traded before they realize they simply are not wanted. Women used to do this to me in high school, judging from how long it took me to catch on Michael should be bouncing on and off their roster for the next 40 years or so. :p That leaves a scant 5 running backs (RBs) to try to fill the shoes of one Marshawn Lynch. In a sign of true innovation Seattle will create the first TRUE running back by committee (RBBC) when they literally duct tape together Prosise, Brooks, Collins, Madden, and Rawls and run them out as one person. This conglomeration will be affectionately referred to as “The Lynch Mob,” and is the only way to recreate Marshawn’s speed, power, and Skittle capacity. So on that fateful day of your fantasy draft step up to the proverbial podium with confidence and select “The Lynch Mob.” 5 players for one draft pick should be a great value. Sincerely, (well, actually sarcastically) The Chuckman P.S. A very special thanks to my own fantasy football team, The Sacrilicious Waffles, without whom none of this would have been possible and I might do something desperate like talk to a girl or interact with people in real life. :p Sacrilicious Waffle